Seriously?
by jedikhaleesi
Summary: Originally just one fanfic- now several! Characters question the twists in the Star Wars saga (eg Padme about her death, Luke and Leia about their kiss in ESB). Complete, but kind of sort of up for adoption. Read inside.
1. Chapter 1: Heartbroken

**Seriously?**

**Okay, so basically the gang is filming Episode III.**

"Seriously?" Padmé asked, brows furrowing.

Anakin tried to hold in a laugh. This plot twist was stupid.

"I'm supposed to die of _heartbreak_?" the Senator demanded.

The producer nodded proudly. "You love Anakin so much that when your heart breaks, you die."

"That's ridiculous!" Padmé burst out.

Anakin couldn't hold it in anymore. He started laughing his head off. Next to him, Obi-Wan was snickering, hiding it in the folds of his cloak.

"You just _couldn't_ think of another way for me to go, huh? What about actually having him kill me off?"

The producer shook his head. "Nope. Sorry. That's too violent."

"_What?_ Hypocrite! That's- that's-"

"Much more dramatic that death is," Yoda put in, nodding wisely, then starting to chuckle.

"AGH!" Padmé yelled. " I'm such a Mary-Sue in this movie! It's so annoying! This is so stupid! I was a former queen and a Senator! In your TV universe, I led a planet through invasion and survived so many battles, and I die of a silly little thing like _heartbreak_! How stupid can you get?"

The Jedi just kept laughing. This was too good. Just way too good.

"Sorry, Senator. We can't always acknowledge your wishes."

"MY WISHES? WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO WATCH THIS SHOW, HUH? WHAT WILL THEY THINK WHEN I DIE OF FREAKING HEARTBREAK?"

"They'll just have to deal with it," the producer said calmly. "Now, let's get to the action. Down on the bed please, Senator."

Padmé just wanted to shoot him in the head.

**Well? Read and review, please!**


	2. Chapter 2: Thrown Out of a Window

**Thrown Out of a Window**

** This was originally supposed to be just one random fanfic (the previous fic with Padme) but then Jedimaster1999 suggested I do more... so this one's about Mace Windu! Hooray!**

** Read and review please! :)**

Mace Windu sighed as Anakin Force-pushed him out of the Chancellor's window.

_Seriously?_ he thought as he sailed downwards. _I die without my right hand and get thrown out of a window?_ _What sort of brilliant Jedi Master does that?_

He somersaulted once he was out of the camera's view, landing on the top of a speeder.

The Rodian driver muttered something angrily- Mace caught "Jedi", "presposterous", "idiots", and "stupid". Well, that definitely made his day. Mace scowled at the driver and leapt off the speeder, landing on the top of an apartment building.

_Now, how am I supposed to get back to the Jedi Temple?_

OooOooO

Mace scowled again as he watched Anakin Force-push him out of the Chancellor's window.

"Wow, they really made you an amazing Jedi Master, didn't they?" Shaak Ti teased. "I mean, you're like, the second most powerful Jedi Master in the Order, and they kill you off by pushing you out a window."

"Thanks a lot, Master Ti," he mumbled. But no, Shaak had to continue.

"We should call you Master Window!" she exclaimed, giggling. "It totally fits!"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, seriously!" Anakin said, grinning. "That's perfect!"

"We'll be seeing you soon then, Master Window," Obi-Wan Kenobi saluted him, leaving the Council Chamber with Anakin and Senator Amidala.

"Gained their respect, you have, Master Window," Yoda nodded wisely, leaving as well.

Mace sighed. _Seriously? Master Window?_

__**Well? Read and review!**


	3. Chapter 3: Barriss Offee Corrupted

**Barriss Offee and the Dark**

** I wrote this one because I'm totally pissed about how Season 5, Episode 20 turned out. I was so shocked! Barriss is, like, the most perfect person ever.**

Barriss read the script, and then read it again. And again. Just to make sure. Then she turned to the director. "I am completely confused by your plot twist."

"Well," the director began, "you are angry with the Jedi. To you, they are corrupt. You wanted to stop the corruption, so you attacked the Temple, framed your friend, Ahsoka, attacked Asajj Ventress, and murdered Letta Turmond."

"I can't believe you!" Asajj said, fake-pouting at Barriss. "Why would you do that to me, Offee?" Letta giggled, obviously sharing the sentiment.

The director continued. "Anyhow, in trying to stop the corruption, you corrupted yourself and turned to the dark side."

"That's a shocker," Ahsoka said, laughing. "I mean, Barriss is supposed to be the most perfect Padawan ever! Why would she turn to the dark side?"

"And where's Luminara in this episode?" Barriss asked. "Wouldn't she help her own Padawan out?"

"That makes it too complicated. Sorry, Miss Offee, you're on your own in this episode."

Barriss sighed. "Do I have to do this? It's going to confuse everyone who watches. They all know me as the perfect Padawan in this show. Knowing my character, I'm never supposed to do anything terrible, and they don't expect me to."

"That's what makes it so wonderful! The viewers will never expect it!" the director exclaimed.

The Mirialan rolled her eyes. "Really? That's your only reason for doing something so stupid?"

"And that Ahsoka, Anakin, and the rest of the Jedi Order will never expect it." the man added cheerfully.

"You have got to be kidding me. So many contradictions- who will know what to believe, the show, or the previously established canon?"

"The show, because it's well-known, of course."

Barriss facepalmed. "Why am I even doing this? Seriously! Why am I?"

**Read and review please!**


	4. Chapter 4: Too Many Deaths

**Too Many Deaths**

** I've been thinking... Adi Gallia dies twice, and Shaak Ti, like, three times. Adi dies at the hands of General Grievous in a comic, and then dies at the hands of Savage Oppress in SW: CW. Shaak Ti dies in two cut scenes from ROTS: on Grievous' flagship and during Order 66, then survives to train Maris Brood and get killed by Galen Marek. So here I get to complain about that.**

"Not_ another_ death scene," Shaak whined. "Why can't you use one of the previous ones?"

"We cut them from the episode, Master Ti, don't you remember?" the director asked politely, sounding like he was dealing with a young child.

"All too clearly. Can't I just permanently disappear without anyone knowing how I met my demise?"

"We have to tie up loose ends."

"But I don't want to be assassinated!"

Adi Gallia, Shaak's best friend, smirked. "Deal with it, Shaak. I got killed by Grievous and that huge Zabrak, remember?."

"But I don't want to be killed by him!" Shaak insisted, pointing at Galen Marek. "Can't we just assume I died in Order 66?"

"That would be much less interesting," the director said. "The viewers can assume that you escaped Order 66 due to your great, immensive powers."

"Well then, why didn't Luminara survive? Or Aayla? Or Plo? They all have 'immense powers'."

"Let's just say they were in worse circumstances."

"That's not fair!" the usually serene Jedi Master whined. "I'm tired of dying over and over again! It's not fun."

Galen raised an eyebrow. "Are you just too afraid to look weak if you lose to me?"

Shaak glared at him. "I don't want to film a third death scene is all. And this one is so complicated!"

"You just hate Felucia," Adi accused, grinning.

"Ok, fine, I do," Shaak admitted. "But I also hate death scenes! I don't want to watch myself die a third time!"

"I saw myself die two times, just like you, Shaak."

"But those deaths weren't cut from canon."

"I got killed by monsters."

"In our first deaths we were killed by the same monster."

"I got killed by a humongous Zabrak for my second death. Your second death was nothing compared to that. At least I could sense he wanted to kill me."

"Hey! My second death was more dramatic. I was betrayed by a fellow Jedi!"

"Yeah, like that's dramatic. It's pitiful you couldn't sense Skywalker's emotions."

"That was a TV show! In reality I'd be able to sense that."

"Right."

While Adi and Shaak continued arguing over whose deaths were more amazing, Galen turned to Maris Brood, who stood open mouthed. "It's like hearing dead people talk to each other," she said.

"In a sense, they already are," he replied. "This is crazy. They both 'died' so many times."

"That's the director's fault," Maris answered. "If he wasn't so stupid, his little universe wouldn't have any contradictions, and Masters Gallia and Ti wouldn't be arguing over something so stupid."

"Considering that, it's no wonder I doubt the director's sanity."

Then, the director, a little frustrated, asked, "Master Ti, are you ready to film your death scene?"

"Only if it's my last," the Togruta snapped. "Seriously, I am never again filming another death scene. Ever."

** Read and review please? Thanks. :)**


	5. Chapter 5: Leia's Outfit

**Leia's Outfit**

** I always wondered what Anakin and Padme would think about their daughter wearing a skimpy little outfit in **_**Return of the Jedi**_**...**

"I WON'T LET MY DAUGHTER WEAR THAT!" Anakin and Padme yelled at the same time.

Luke was a little more polite about it. "I won't let my little sister wear that," he said firmly, crossing his arms.

Leia frowned. "I don't want to wear that."

"I want to see you wear that," Han said, grinning.

The director smiled brightly, holding up the metal bikini. "It will make your role as Jabba's slave believable."

"NO!" Padme screeched. "NO!"

"No," Anakin agreed, glaring at the director.

"Oh, come on, princess," Han said. "Your mother's worn funkier headdresses and outfits. As they say, the apple never rolls far from the tree."

"Well, with this the apple's rolling in a completely different direction," Luke pointed out. "Mom wore overprotective robes that completely dwarfed her."

"I will never, not in a thousand years, let my daughter wear that!" Padme asserted. Then she added definitively, "In fact, I'll only let her wear that when Hutts fly!"

"You sure about that?" Han asked.

"Yes."

Leia agreed. "I'll abide by those terms. I'll wear that bikini when Jabba gets his humongous mass off the ground!"

Then a loud sound shook the set, toppling some cameras, like a cruiser taking off. Everyone bumped into each other. The director accidentally let go of the metal bikini, and it banged against Luke's head. Anakin dropped his Darth Vader mask.

A Laat/i gunship, the type that had been popular twenty years ago, opened its door. There sat Jabba, squeezing two cameramen off to the sides as they clung desperately to the gunship to avoid falling off.

Leia's mouth dropped open. Han couldn't help breaking into laughter. "Sorry, princess, looks like you're getting into that bikini soon."

"Seriously?" Padme shouted up at the Hutt. "You had to get off the ground? _Really?_"

**Please read and review! And send in suggestions! I love suggestions! and reviews! In fact, I love everyone who reviewed!**


	6. Chapter 6: Darth Maul

**Darth Maul**

** Okay... this fic's based on a suggestion from Lord Destroyer.**

Maul peered down the Theed power core anxiously. "Are you sure about this?" he asked the director.

"Positive," the man answered, smiling brightly. Maul wondered if the director had gone insane a long time ago, causing him to think up stupid ideas that could possibly endanger people's lives. If he was going to be honest about it, Maul didn't fancy a fall down a power core.

Nor did he fancy how he died. He got to die by being cut in half by a mere Padawan.

Not that he didn't like Obi-Wan. The guy was nice.

Yes, apparently in the director's little universe, Obi-Wan's killing of a Sith would make him famous, and show that he was extremely skilled. But what did that make Maul? Extremely unskilled, to be cut down by an apprentice?

Maul would have been less annoyed if Obi-Wan was the Chosen One, but _no_, the Chosen One was that little tiny boy named Anakin. If Obi-Wan could cut him in half, then what could the Chosen One do? Pulverize him with a snap of his fingers? That would be an even sadder death, for a seemingly powerful Sith like him.

"Do I have to do this?" he whined, for the first time in his life. He never whined. Never. Not even when Mother Talzin made him give her a pedicure.

He shuddered, remembering that ugly experience. At least that hadn't been a life-or-death situation. He could seriously die if he fell down that power core.

"Sorry, Mr. Maul, you were paid to do this," the director pointed out. "We're going to start filming now, okay? Remember your part?"

"All too well. All too well."

_I seriously can't believe I have to fall down a power core _and _get sliced in half by a Padawan in the same fight. And I'm so money-crazy I'm actually going through with it._

**Read and review please! I love reviews! They're awesome!**


	7. Chapter 7: Luke and Leia

**Leia and Luke**

** Remember, I love reviews and suggestions! They're awesome!**

"You have got to be kidding me," Leia muttered.

"That's stepping over the line here," Luke said angrily.

"HOW DARE YOU ASK MY CHILDREN TO DO SUCH A DISGUSTING THING?" Padme roared at the top of her lungs, pulling out her blaster.

"Whoa, Senator Amidala," the director said calmly. "It's just a little kiss."

"IT SUGGESTS INCEST YOU IDIOT!" their mother screeched, about to pull the trigger when Captain Typho snatched it from her before she could do any harm. "WHAT WILL IT LOOK LIKE IF MY TWO CHILDREN-"

Then Anakin stormed up next to them and smacked the director in the chest. "I just heard what my children will have to do," he said quietly.

Luke sighed thankfully. At least his father wasn't shouting.

"I AM GOING TO KILL YOU, AND I WOULD HAVE ALREADY KILLED YOU, EXCEPT THAT YOU ARE EXTREMELY IMPORTANT FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON!"

He took that back.

"Mr. Director," he said carefully, gently pushing aside his parents, "I think that this scene of yours is completely unnecessary and insulting to our family. I would not suggest that you keep this scene in here."

"I'm sorry, Jedi Skywalker, this scene is necessary for character development."

"Can't we just break up or something so I can be with Han, and then later find out that I'm his sister? Not make out before that?" Leia asked hopefully.

"I'm sorry, Jedi Amidala-Skywalker; as I said, this scene is extremely necessary."

"Why?"

"Wouldn't it be dramatic for the next episode if Luke still loved you, but you were with Han? Luke obviously loved you, because you two kissed in the medcenter on Hoth. And then everything would be perfectly resolved because-"

"GAAAAAH!" Anakin yelled, igniting his red lightsaber. It was a training saber, of course, but in the hands of an angry Jedi, it was a little unsettling.

He charged at the director. "I WILL KILL YOU, I SWEAR!"

Of course, the director ran for his life.

Padme took the opportunity to snatch her blaster back from the hands of a surprised Captain Typho.

"Ani, sweetie," she shouted, "LET ME GET HIM FIRST!"

"You'll have to catch him before me then!" Anakin yelled over his shoulder.

Typho recovered quickly and chased after the angry Jedi, who actually looked like a Sith with his black cape and red lightsaber, and the angry Senator, who was waving her blaster around like crazy.

"Well, it looks like our problems are solved," Luke sighed thankfully.

"Thank goodness for that," Leia agreed.

"Luke, Leia," came a familiar voice from behind them.

They turned in shock as the director came out from behind the bushes, peering down at his script, Han following him.

"Now that your parents are distracted, I believe that this would be the perfect time to film this scene."

Leia's jaw dropped. "But- but- my mom- my dad- they're chasing-"

"A decoy," the director said calmly, boredly, like this happened every day. "Come now, Jedi Amidala-Skywalker. Let's film this scene now, shall we?"

"Of-well- no- _fine_," Luke said, completely exasperated. Then something occurred to him. "Hey, what happens if my parents chop up the decoy?"

"I'll get another one. Don't worry," the director told him, waving off his concerns.

**Well? What do you think was the fate of the decoy? And what do you think about the rest of the chapter?**


	8. Chapter 8: Marriage

**Marriage**

**I love you people who sent in all the suggestions. YAYY! Me happy. :D And my thanks to all the reviewers like Lord Destroyer, Jedi Kay-Kenobi, QueenYoda, and Lunarballet.**

** I think we all agree on the fate of the decoy, don't we?**

** But remember to review this one too! This fic's based on a suggestion from Hollister.**

"Uh..." Anakin scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.

"Uh..." Padme looked away, embarrassed.

Obi-Wan's mouth was just hanging open.

"Uh huh..." the director prompted. "What do you think?"

"I-I think," Obi-Wan stuttered, "that's a little early for marriage."

"_Nineteen_?" Anakin burst out. "You think that's a _little_ early?"

"And only after three awkward weeks of cringe-worthy courtship?" Padme added.

"I wrote those courtship scenes," the director said, seemingly stung.

Nobody apologized.

"Look, Mr. Director," the Padawan began, "Padme may be my girlfriend in real life, and I may be seriously in love with her in real life and this fake life you've created, but I'm not marrying her at nineteen, whether in real life or in that fake life."

"I agree," Padme and Obi-Wan said in unison. "I am _not_ letting Anakin throw away his life while he's still a teen, even if it's just on a TV show."

They looked at each other in surprise. "Did we just say the same thing?" (again, in unison.)

Obi-Wan shook his head and glared at the director. "Don't you understand the consequences of this scene? It tarnishes Senator Amidala's reputation! And it might possibly even encourage other teens to elope with their boyfriends or girlfriends. I mean, people these days will do anything that's on a TV show."

"Don't be so bitter, Jedi Kenobi, just because you don't have a girlfriend on this show," the director told him.

Obi-Wan's mouth decided to hang open again.

"He's supposed to play an emotionless Jedi! Of course he's not going to elope or something!" Padme said angrily.

"Of course not, Senator Amidala. I'm just saying, no matter what, you're still going to have to film this scene."

"But I don't want to! And Anakin doesn't want to."

"If you don't, the charities you support won't receive the part of their monthly donation that you'd get from filming this." **(Well, that wasn't very nice now, Mr. Director, was it?)**

Anakin, Padme, and Obi-Wan scowled.

"Fine. But no more awkward love scenes," the Senator insisted.

"I _wrote _those scenes," the director said, again offended.

**Read and review please! :D **


	9. Chapter 9: Levels of Stupidity

**Levels of Stupidity**

** Hi! Now that spring break's here, I'm gonna try to update as many stories as possible every day (which includes this one). Read and review please! **

** This fic's based on a suggestion by Betterways.**

"It's like he thinks we're stupid," Mace grumbled under his breath. "That we'll look away for one moment and _then_ notice that there's a clone army produced out of nowhere! And that the government is slowly going bye-bye!"

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" the director asked politely.

"That this level of stupidity is uncharacteristic for the Jedi," Mace said loudly.

"The Jedi are not portrayed as stupid in this episode," the director began to explain, "they are portrayed as-"

"So self-involved they don't observe the galaxy around them falling?" Senator Organa put in. "I mean, honestly, not to notice the clone army and the government falling apart, the Jedi would either be stupid or vain. Especially in this scene, where the Chancellor manipulates Jar Jar into doing what he wants. Right in front of the faces of two of the greatest Jedi Masters of all time."

"Notice, we would, if a mind trick was being used in the room," Yoda added, slightly annoyed. "Take us for idiots, do you?"

"No, no!" the director said, smiling calmly. "No, there is a reason behind all this."

The Jedi and politicians stood in silence for a while, waiting for the explanation. Chancellor Palpatine twiddled his fingers. Jar Jar played with one of his extremely long ears. Yoda tapped his gimer stick on the floor impatiently. Bail sighed.

"Which is..." Mace prompted, gesturing for the director to explain.

"Oh, yes! The reason is that the dark side is clouding your vision."

"The dark side doesn't cloud our vision to a point where we can no longer see a foot in front of ourselves!" the human Master snapped.

"Well, this is a fictional show, Master Windu, and I happen to be the director and the producer and the writer-"

"That explains a lot of things," Chancellor Palpatine muttered.

"-which means that I get to decide what happens. I can decide what to do with the Jedi, and if that means making them seem self-involved or stupid, I can do that."

Mace sighed.

"I like this scene exactly as it is, so you are going to have to act it out."

"Any chance you could zap him with lightning or something?" Bail whispered hopefully to Yoda.

"Wish to do that, I do. Do that, I cannot, or be mad at me, Yaddle will."

The director coughed loudly. "Excuse me, Senator, Master Jedi. Please, let's focus on my directions on how to act this scene out."

"I seriously can't believe I'm making myself out to be stupid," Mace grumbled, moving into place.

**Read and review please! :D**


	10. Chapter 10: The Dangerous End

**The Dangerous End**

** Lord Destroyer: LOL. Yaddle would be mad at him because she doesn't want him to kill anybody, even if they're extremely annoying.**

**This fic's based on a suggestion by SWfanfan. As always, please read and review! :D **

"Cut!" the director called out suddenly.

"What?" Luke asked. "I thought we were doing pretty well."

"You were," the director assured him. "But I want to give off the impression that you really don't know this weapon. So, what I want you to do, Luke, is to play around with the lightsaber and look at it from all angles."

"Umm... that's sort of what he's doing," Obi-Wan pointed out.

"No, he isn't inspecting it from all angles. What is that one angle?"

"The dangerous angle," Luke said. "The one where the lightsaber comes out."

"Exactly!" the director said happily. "So, we're going to start this over, and the first thing you're going to do, Luke, is to stick the dangerous end in your face."

He leaned back in his chair and yelled, "Action!"

Luke and Obi-Wan didn't move, just stared at him, mouths wide open.

The director stared back. "And... action!" he prompted.

Luke shook himself. "Wait, wait, wait. You want me to stick the _dangerous_ end of my lightsaber, the one where the _actual blade_ comes out, into my _face_?"

The director nodded cheerfully.

"You do know he's using his actual lightsaber, correct?" Obi-Wan asked, puzzled.

The director nodded again.

"What happens if I accidentally switch the lightsaber on and end up stabbing my own face?"

"Oh, you won't do that," the director said confidently.

"And you know that because..."

"You're a Jedi, Luke!"

"Even Jedi make mistakes."

"Like the mistake of agreeing to film this show," Obi-Wan muttered.

"You will do what this show requires you to do, Luke, and it requires you to poke the dangerous end of your lightsaber in your face," the director continued, ignoring him.

"If he ends up killing himself doing this, Anakin is _so_ going to kill you," Obi-Wan warned.


	11. Chapter 11: Rapid Aging and Its Results

**Rapid Aging and Its Results**

**This fic's based on a review from Lord Destroyer. **

**As always, please read and review! :D**

"I... I look... I look so..." Obi-Wan stuttered, looking at himself in the shots.

"Old?" Han suggested, snickering.

"Exactly!" the Jedi Master agreed. "I'm only in my 50's and you people make me look like I'm in my 70's! What's up with that?"

"You have to look old and wise here, Master Kenobi," the director reassured him calmly.

"He looks a little too old," Luke muttered.

"Only fifteen years passed, not thirty!" Obi-Wan exclaimed. "I didn't go through a rapid aging process like the clones supposedly did!"

"I'm surprised you're so vain, Master Kenobi," the director reprimanded. "I thought a true Jedi wouldn't care about his looks."

Han nearly died from laughter.

Obi-Wan was turning red in the face.

"Oh, shoot," Luke whispered, eyes wide. "He's angry."

"It was a little reprimand," the director said. "He'll regain self-control."

"No, that won't fix it," Luke told him. "You just insulted him- and the Jedi, actually. You'd be surprised, but they really care about how they look."

Obi-Wan was really red now.

Han stopped laughing and started backing away slowly.

"HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME! I'M WORKING FOR YOU, AND I DON'T EXPECT TO BE HUMILIATED BY WHATEVER STUPID CREATIVE CHOICE YOU MAKE IN THE NAME OF YOUR FREAKING SHOW! BUT SINCE THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING-"

Here Obi-Wan pulled out his lightsaber and charged at the director, chasing him out of the set.

"THIS IS FOR PADME AND THE STUPID DEATH YOU GAVE HER!" A huge _BOOM_ resounded throughout the set, and Luke winced.

"I told him Uncle Obi-Wan was angry."

"THIS IS FOR MAUL, FOR MAKING HIM FALL DOWN NABOO'S POWER CORE!" The sound this time was slightly quieter- long, ear-piercing screams began.

"THIS IS FOR ADI AND SHAAK, FOR MAKING THEM DIE SO MANY TIMES!"

And so it continued for a few hours...

***a few hours later***

Han was cleaning up the _Falcon_ when the director staggered into the set again, followed by a very satisfied-looking Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Leia, reading a datapad and leaning against Luke's knees while he sat in a chair, giggled.

Han watched the singed, blackened, and scratched director (whose clothes were completely ripped up) stumble across the floor.

"Hey, Master Kenobi!" Han yelled, pausing in his task for a moment. The Jedi Master turned to him and raised an eyebrow.

"Why'd you spare him?" he asked, tilting his head toward the director, who definitely looked like he'd had a fun time.

Obi-Wan smiled at him. "Because," he said smugly, "Murder is not the Jedi way."

"But apparently, _almost_ doing so is," Han mumbled under his breath, turning back to the _Falcon._


	12. Chapter 12: The Death Star(s)

**The Death Star(s)**

** Lord Destroyer: Actually, yes, I do like to read reviews. I'm really terrible at coming up with ideas for this fanfic, so they give me inspiration. :) Plus I like to know what people think of my story.**

** AND THANK YOU EVERYBODY! Seriously? got past 100 reviews on 4/11/13 (actually, when I came home, it was 101.) Thank you soooo much! I love you guys :D**

** And this fic is based on a suggestion by Mightym. Onward, comrades!**

"And then the whole thing will explode!" the director concluded, grinning insanely and waving his arms around like windmills to emphasize his point.

His audience gave him a "what the hell really?" look in unison.

Luke turned to his father and Palpatine. "Wow, you really couldn't resist building a second super battle station, could you?"

"It's not my fault," the Chancellor grumbled. "It's his fault." Then, of course, he pointed at the director.

Lando grinned. "Hey, what makes it all better is that at least I get to save the day!"

"Whatever, Calrissian," Leia said, smacking his arm jokingly and grinning back at her longtime friend. "What do you think Luke and I are doing?"

"Definitely not saving the day," Han muttered.

"Then what _are_ we doing?" his fiancée challenged.

Luke and Lando glared at Han as if to say "saving the day." But no! It was not to be done that way!

No, it wasn't the Corellian who spoke (and who would have made amends), but instead the director. "Well, Luke's having a little talk with his daddy and evil Emperor Palpy-"

"PALPY?" the man in question exclaimed indignantly.

"-on filial obedience, and you are getting wounded and doing nothing while Han here breaks into the shield generator."

"You make me sound like I'm a naughty child," Luke complained.

"In my point of view, you _are_ naughty," Anakin pointed out. "Hiding from me on Tatooine for twenty years? Bad boy, Luke, bad boy. Blowing up your father's Death Star, which he's set his heart and hopes on? Even worse!"

"That wasn't my fault," Luke said, copying the Chancellor. "Besides, it's so _fake. _Why would you set your hopes on something you designed for twenty years and then gets blown up right after it's built?"

"Let's get back to filming these scenes," the director said, trying to bring everyone's attention back to him.

"You know, your security systems on these Death Stars suck," Leia told Anakin.

"That's not my fault. That's his fault," her father said, pointing at Palpatine.

"Well, you're Lord Executor. You should have gone to him and said, 'Dude, get a smarter engineer. This security system that you have now will let my secret son blow up your super battle station through a tiny little exhaust vent, and later, some random guy who works on Bespin to blow up the second version of your super battle station.'"

"I said, it's not my fault! It's Mr. Director's fault!" Anakin whined.

Leia switched her attention. "Mr. Director-"

"Whatever," the director interrupted. "I don't care."

"Well, _that_ explains a lot of things," Luke muttered.

**flashback**

_"And then the whole thing will explode!" the director concluded, grinning insanely and waving his arms around like windmills to emphasize his point._

_ His audience gave him a "what the hell really?" look in unison._

_ "Wow, this battle station is so vulnerable. One little shot in one little exhaust vent and the whole thing just goes bye-bye," Han observed._

_ "And I get to fire it!" Luke exclaimed, smile so wide it nearly reached his ears. "In your face, Dad! I get to destroy your big battle station!"_

_ "Whatever," Anakin mumbled, waving his son off._

_ "This is _so_ stupid," Leia said, hands on her hips and turning to the director. "Your 'Death Star' is so vulnerable it's ridiculous."_

_ "There has to be a happily ever after for our hero!" Mr. Director insisted._

_ "On this show, there is never a happily ever after," Palpatine grumbled._

_Everyone had to agree with him._

**end of flashback**

"All right, let's begin filming then!" the director said cheerily.

"I'll prep for my talk with Dad and Emperor Palpy then," Luke muttered.


	13. Chapter 13: Order 66

**Order 66**

** Hellooooo I'm BAAAACK! This fic's based on a suggestion by Crazy. And it might be sort of crappy, but I felt like I owed you guys something.**

"And why would we do that?" Cody asked, shaking his head. "The Jedi have helped us survive for three years. They trust us, and we trust them in return. At least in your stupid little pretend universe."

Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow.

"Well, apparently you didn't trust them enough," the director said. "Besides, this order was implanted into you by Palpatine ten years ago."

"We are so ungrateful," Appo remarked. "Besides, don't we have morals?"

"Yes, but that doesn't apply in this case."

The brothers raised their eyebrows in unison. "So I just mindlessly kill off all these little kids at the whim of some unknown guy?"

"He is the lord of the Sith," the director said, waving his arms around creepily like he was in Thriller. "Not some _unknown guy_."

"Whatever," Appo said, totally dissing him.

"Hey... Obi-Wan just killed Grievous, the menace of the universe, so why would I kill him? Shouldn't I be happy?" Cody asked curiously.

"Well..." Obviously, the director was stumped at that one. Apparently, he hadn't thought his little universe all the way through.

"Yeah, and it's so impolite to shoot your General in the back while she's watching some birdies fly past her head," Bly remarked.

"I would think so," Aayla said pointedly, glaring at the director.

"You know what's really rude? Getting shot down in your fighter," Plo declared.

"You know what's stupid?" Gree asked. "Trying to kill the most revered, the oldest, the wisest, and probably the most powerful Jedi while he's being protected by Wookies. Not only is he one of the best Jedi around, but he's being protected by _Wookiees. _Wookiees. If the Jedi doesn't make you go bye-bye first, then the Wookiees definitely will."

"And killing off all those little kids?" Anakin inquired. "Hello, I'm a Jedi, and I'm killing off _other_ Jedi. And they're not even Jedi, they're just children!"

"I totally resent that," Bene muttered. Whie nodded in agreement.

"Okay, fine," Skywalker said, mollifying the Padawans, "you're not kids. I don't kill off just kids, I brutally murder Padawans and Jedi Masters."

"All just to save Padme," Obi-Wan sighed. "Because of a stupid nightmare."

"Yup!" the director exclaimed cheerfully.

"Dude, I'm not _that _stupid," Anakin asserted.

"Well, you were so distracted by your love for her you-"

"Became a selfish idiot hell-bent on saving his wife, who wouldn't have died if he hadn't done any of that stuff? Yeah," Cody finished.

"Wow, thanks, Cody. I really feel great about my character now."

**So... please read and review with suggestions on how I could make this better, or just more ideas I could do. :) jedikhaleesi out.**


	14. Chapter 14: Power Cores

**Power Cores**

**I. Am. Finally. Back.**

**Okay, so this is an idea pushed by Lord Destroyer and Chocolatam. It's kind of pointless, but it was all I could churn out since I posted the last chapter. Sadly, it lacks the part about the railings, which I liked, but Maul comes back!**

"You know, this reminds me of something the director's done before," Palpatine muttered thoughtfully, rubbing his chin and staring down the center of the power core.

"Me too," Anakin said, his voice coming out in the familiar rasp of Darth Vader.

"That's because he _has_ done this before," Luke pointed out, crossing his arms firmly.

"Yes, we determined the whole Star Destroyer thing, Luke."

Said person rolled his eyes. "No, Dad, the whole 'falling into the power core' thing."

"What? Really?" the other two people said in unison, looking at him strangely.

Luke rolled his eyes again. "I can prove it."

"Then please do so, Jedi Skywalker," the Chancellor said, waving his arm gracefully.

OooOooO

_a few minutes later_

Luke came back with a Zabrak man nearing his sixties, who was talking cheerfully.

"Here you go, Dad, Chancellor. Your proof."

The two men looked at the Zabrak and their faces split into grins.

"Maul!" The Chancellor exclaimed, shaking his hand fiercely.

"MAUL!" Anakin yelled, practically tackling him.

Luke backed up and thought, _Aww. What a sweet reunion for three old men._

Hopefully his father wouldn't detect that thought.

"What brings you here?" Palpatine asked, smiling.

"Oh, thought I'd just visit the set- haven't been around for a while. It got a little lonely with just comming Maris and Obi-Wan."

"I see," Anakin said. "My son tells me that the fate of Palpy here is overworked."

"What's his fate?" Maul asked curiously.

"I get thrown down the power core."

In an instant, the Zabrak had blown up and turned redder than he usually was. "OVERWORKED!" He yelled at the top of his lungs. "I FELL DOWN A POWER CORE TOO, YOU KNOW!"

"Right..." Anakin said, obviously racking his brains for when that happened.

"Right..." Palpatine said, trying to make up for his lack of knowledge.

Luke rolled his eyes. Again. "Dad, Chancellor, it was in the Theed power core, remember?"

"Uh..."

"Uh..."

"Obi-Wan would know," Maul said thoughtfully. "He'd say it was overworked too! Kenobi remembers everything!"

"Does he remember the time he got drunk and-"

"OKAY OKAY OKAY!" Luke yelled. "We're good, Dad. No need for that story again."

"But seriously, I thought I'd be the only one with that fate," Maul remarked.

"I ended up doing that too, only I didn't die," Luke pointed out. "And now, Palpatine, evil Emperor, must be resigned to his fate."

Maul _harrumph_ed. "That director. So unoriginal. Not only does he have to make stupid creative choices, he has to _repeat _them."

**I dunno, I'm kind of going really slow on this fic now, even if there are a whole lot of ideas you guys have. Any pep talks? I'll listen.**


	15. Chapter 15: IDEAS PLEASE

**Hi everyone!**

**Yeah, I know, I'm so lame. Left this story alone for about two months. And this isn't a chapter. I'm terrible. I'm stuck in the Philippines, otherwise I would've updated this earlier. Anyways, I have one request: submit ideas. Through reviews, PMs, I don't care. When I find a nice idea I'll write a chapter. Promise.**

**And ASP is updating soon, I swear. Like in a few days.**

**Love you all. Thanks to everyone who gave me advice. And my constant Jedi Kay-Kenobi and the idea maker Lord Destroyer.**

**~jedikhaleesi**


	16. Chapter 16: Darth Maul's Comeback

**Darth Maul's Comeback**

**Lord Destroyer: Yes, you are.**

**Crazy: OH MY GOD, I agree with you. I mean... like... Callista just has problems. The **_**whole romance**_** had problems.**

"But I don't wanna be on the show again!" Maul whined to his younger brother Savage. "It was so annoying!"

"But you have to," Savage growled. "The director says so."

"Nobody likes the director! Why would we listen to him?"

"Because we get paid," Ventress said boredly, checking her nail polish for chips.

"But I had to fall down a power core last time! What if he makes me do that again?"

"That was twenty years ago," the Dathomirian reassured him. "I'm sure he's refined his ideas."

Both Savage and Maul gave her a look that said _yeah, right._

"Okay, so maybe not."

"Please, brother. It may only be for a few episodes."

"Oh, no, it won't!" The director chirped happily. "We'll bring both of you back for the next season, too!"

Maul started to howl in agony. "NO I DON'T WANNA I DON'T WANNA I DON'T WANNA I-"

Mother Talzin sighed. "Thank you for making this _so_ much easier."

"You're welcome." With that the director flounced off.

"I DON'T WANNA DON'T MAKE ME SAVAGE DON'T MAKE ME I DON'T WANNA BE ON THE SHOW-"

"MAUL!" Mother Talzin snapped. "You are acting like a whiny baby!"

"I'm surprised you aren't," the Zabrak muttered sulkily. "This is your second season already. I was in one episode and it scarred me for life."

"I'm sure there's a part that makes you look good somewhere," Ventress offered, opening up the script. Then her expression turned ugly. "At least, after the part where Savage finds you in trashland with legs made from garbage."

Maul screamed in horror. "Do you know how unsanitary that is?"

"And that's not all," she added. "You don't even have your sanity."

**darthmaulasajjventressmothertalzin**

*hours later*

"HOW CAN ANYONE LET AN ABOMINATION LIKE THE SCRIPT STILL EXIST? WHY WOULD ANYONE LET IT EXIST IN THE FIRST PLACE? WHY COULDN'T I HAVE STAYED DEAD? I DON'T WANNA BE-"

"Just do it and I'll send you on a trip to Ryloth," Mother Talzin sighed, completely fed up.

Maul perked up slightly. Savage had a _what? That's not fair! _look, and Ventress an _ew that's so gross _one.

"Get me a first-class shuttle into the heart of the city plus a greencard and I don't complain to the director once," he bargained.

"Done."

Maul flounced off to find the director.

**Well, this is short, but you gotta start somewhere. I'm working on another chapter already! YAY! Okay. Bye. -jedikhaleesi**


	17. Chapter 17: The Last Scene

**Hi. I forgot to say that the last chapter was a suggestion from Guest. But there are so many reviewers like that. Um... this is from skyguyalltheway. It kind of connects to chapter 11: Rapid Aging And Its Results. And MAYBE, Lord Destroyer. MAYBE.**

**And everybody: about Callista. Yeah, I think the romance was screwed up too.**

**Chapter 16: The Last Scene**

Obi-Wan was actually enjoying himself through _Return of the Jedi._

Then the last scene showed. Anakin's young, glamorous self showed up next to Yoda and- guess who?- the old fogey version of himself.

His day was ruined.

He stomped out of the theater, intent on finding the director. Anakin was gushing about the wonders of special effects to his family, but he was the only one who seemed pleased. Of course. He looked good; nobody else did.

"And why did Anakin get to be young in that last scene?" Obi-Wan asked, stomping right up to the director.

"It symbolizes his return to the light," the director said dramatically, adding a completely unnecessary- and also dramatic- gesture. "He fell from the light in the peak of his youth, so it makes sense that he resumes his journey in the same state."

He grumbled, "Journey in the same state, my ass," at the same time his former Padawan shrieked, "Twenty-two was the peak of my youth? I've just been deteriorating for twenty-three years?"

"I have a question, too," a familiar voice rumbled. "Why didn't I get to show up in that scene? After all, I'm the one who supposedly taught Obi-Wan and Master Yoda to appear like that! Give me some credit here!"

Obi-Wan knew only one person who would dare speak to the director like that. Sure, everybody complained, but never said 'Give me some credit'. It only made your fate so much more twisted.

"QUI-GON!" Everybody yelled, immediately surrounding the old Jedi wanderer. He grinned. "Good to see all of you, but I'd like an answer!"

"An answer would be nice," Leia admitted, turning to the director.

"With all due respect, Master Jinn," the man in question said, "you were on Kamino at the time."

"You could have called me. Or used my image from that long-ago episode when I was killed."

"Well, you were completely unrelated. How would Luke know you?"

"How would Luke figure out that it was Anakin's young self that showed up?"

"Why couldn't I have been young too?" Obi-Wan said, completely annoyed. "At least Luke would know it was me. Twenty years didn't really change me."

"Yeah, but you got special effects and an insane director," Han snickered.

"Thank you," he said sarcastically.

"I'm not insane!" the director yelled loudly.

"Oh yeah?" Anakin asked, the corners of his mouth beginning to turn up evilly. "Prove it."

Padme smiled, crossing her arms, as she realized what was happening. Luke looked ecstatic, and at the same time, almost disappointed- the same expression Leia had. Han just smirked.

Qui-Gon laughed. "So you can't."

The director stuttered. "I- uh- say what?- I'm not insane. Because like-"

"And you know what we do to insane people?" Obi-Wan hissed, trying to hold in his laughter.

"What- what do you do?"

"We treat them," Padme answered, grabbing a blaster from one of her surprised security guards. "So they get better."

"They say mortal danger is the best treatment for insanity," Anakin joked, pulling out his lightsaber. "Get him!"

Obi-Wan drew his own lightsaber and joined the battle charge.

**luke-han-leia**

"You think we should rain on their parade?" Luke asked, grabbing the last kernels of popcorn from the bottom of the container as they watched Rex and Gree take turns at shooting the director decoy perilously close to his body. The man was pinned against the wall, all curled up and screaming.

Meanwhile, a long line of actors, Jedi, and politicians eagerly waited for their own turns.

"No," the real director answered, popping up between the siblings. "Then they'll go after me."

"How do you know we won't go after you?" Han suggested.

"You had a chance before and didn't take it. So, I'm thinking you're not going to do it now."

"He has a point," Leia remarked, dumping the tray in the trash.

"We'll just save him for a rainy day then," her brother said.


	18. Chapter 18: Kind of up for Adoption

**Haii guys. So I thought a few months ago that I had my drive for this story back. Apparently not. So... I guess... I can't really write this story anymore.**

**Does anybody want to, like, adopt it or something? And when I say adopt it, I mean like continue it, not take the whole thing because I'll just keep the seventeen chapters that are up already.**

**So... 'Seriously' is done now, I guess. (Yes, a lot of 'like's and 'so's and 'I guess'). Could anybody continue the idea and PM me if they do. And, um... hint, hint, but if you do could you credit me? I mean, I'm totally lame because I'm gonna be sitting in the background for a while, but I'd get mad if you don't credit me...**

**Anyways, I would really like to thank EVERYBODY who helped me along the way. All you guys are awesome. The favorites, the reviews, the follows... I didn't expect that. And I'm so sorry. I did this with another story too, but I actually deleted that. I'm not going to delete this one, though.**

**If you didn't follow or favorite during the time when I was writing or doing humongous pauses, you don't have to read this part. So that's a goodbye if you didn't.**

**Thank you so much Lord Destroyer, Jedi Kay-Kenobi, and I have no idea where you went, Lunarballet. You were awesome. But, anyways, you two are awesome. Thanks to QueenYoda, DrWhy, Lady Marissa Garmaddon, Crazy, skyguyalltheway, ILDV, SWfanfan, Eldar-Melda, Book girl fan, mightym, Jason9000, sharp5092, Gigigue, and everybody else.**

**^ I kinda went through like the last two pages of reviews, so if you're not on here and you reviewed, you're awesome.**

**I really got some experience from writing this story, so thanks, everybody. :)**

**~jedikhaleesi**


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